Just
Desserts
Saturday. A schooless day devoted entirely to your
leisure. This doesn’t often mean
that it’s a good day, however.
It hasn’t been a
good day for Connie, being used as a prop by Renee and Stacy as they experiment
with a hairstyling magazine (she did
have the most hair, after all). It
wasn’t a very good day for Richie, who had lost nearly all of his Halloween
candy and was 6 Snickers in debt to The Kid while playing cards. And it absolutely wasn’t a good day for
Ryan who, despite his love for the printed word, was having a hard time
concentrating on his new book.
Sure enough, he had
just turned the page when – “You can’t put that card down!” Richie wailed. “I just put down a 2 of Spades! That’s a 7 of
Diamonds!”
“I changed it to Diamonds.” explained
Kid. I had an
8.”
“How come I never
get any 8’s?”
Kid just
shrugged. “Beats
me.”
Meanwhile, Connie
was in the middle of a complaint.
“I mean, why can’t I stay home by myself? What do I need a babysitter for? It’s not like I’m a
baby!”
“Your parents are
probably just afraid you’ll throw a big wild party while they’re gone.” joked
Stacy.
“Fat chance.” said
Connie. “They get the worst
babysitters. Teenagers who talk on
the phone and tell me to go to bed, or little old ladies who watch
black-and-white movies and tell me to go to bed. Only they send me to bed at 7:30 because
when they were my age, days were shorter!”
“Hey, I’ve got an
idea.” Renee put down the brush she was holding. “What if we told your parents I’d sit
for them? You could just come over
to our house and then we could keep going through the magazine. It’ll be like a slumber
party.”
“Do I have to go to
bed?”
“Uhh...eventually.”
“Oh, you’re no fun,
either!”
At this point, Ryan
gave up and put down his book in such a huff that everyone stopped what they
were doing. “Ryan, what’s the
matter? Is the book a dud?” asked
Kid.
“I wouldn’t know!”
grumbled Ryan, “I haven’t gotten through the first
chapter!”
“Since when are we
bothering you? Usually you fall
into your books and it takes an earthquake DURING a tornado just to get you
out.” Renee
quipped.
Stacy
continued. “We were only keeping
busy because you already were.
Everyone knows when you read, it’s like you’re not
here.”
“I wish I wasn’t
here right now.” said Richie as The Kid won another hand.
This gave Ryan an
idea. “How would you guys like to
join me in a book?”
On an incredibly
hot day, an incredibly cool man entered an incredibly old building – but this
was no ordinary building...and no ordinary man.
“You wanted to see
me, sir?”
“Ah, Agent 333,
James Ryan. Yes. Your mission involving the retrieval
of stolen birthday presents has been solved?”
The mysterious
agent removed his jacket and tossed it onto a coat rack without even
looking. “I’ve got it all wrapped
up, sir.”
“Would you be
serious?!? I’ve gotten an urgent
message from our friends at Neighborhood Watch. They’ve had a problem with ice
cream.”
“Well, sir, if
they’d just buy a carton of Neapolitan, everyone could have a different
flavor.” Agent 333 quipped.
His boss turned
purple. “It’s worse than
that!
It’s...missing.”
“Missing,
sir?”
“Every ice cream
parlor emptied, every supermarket completely cleaned out. It’s as if the stuff never
existed! Furthermore, Agent 000
has failed to report. About a
week ago, his trail suddenly went-”
“Cold?”
“Your mission, Triple Three, is to find out
who or what has rid this city of its ice cream – and mind the puns, will
you?”
As 333 left
headquarters, a shadowy figure lurked in a dark street corner. Silently, they watched our hero mount
his bike, clueless to the fact that a stranger was stalking him.
“Headquarters
calling Agent 333. Come in,
Ryan.” a stuffy voice came out of
the bike’s handlebars.
Triple Three
pressed a button on the handle. “333 here.” he
replied.
“Radar is
reporting a shadowy figure on your tail.
Open the face of your combination lock.” He did. “Tape recorder. Set combination to 1-2-3 to start
recording, and press the dial to stop.
In your cargo bag, you’ll find a Thermos that actually contains enough
Silly String to distract any attacker.
The pack of gum is a miniature high-powered squirt gun. The baseball card in the spokes will
open any locked door.”
“And the scissors,
sir?”
“Well, they’re to
cut things, of course! Ha
ha!”
“That’s one for
you, sir.” 333 said dryly.
“In addition, they
also fold up so you can slip them into your shoe. Look out, Ryan! Shadowy figure at 12
o’clock!”
The transmission
ended, as 333 whirled around to face his attacker, gum drawn and a stick aimed
directly at their face. But the
assailant, who also had their squirt gum drawn,
laughed.
“Going to chew me
out, Ryan?” Both he and 333
laughed.
“Leo, my old friend,” 333 addressed the man,
“what’s Neighborhood Watch doing harassing innocent
bikers?”
“Bad news, Triple
Three. Ice cream caper’s broken
wide open, thanks to some loose-lipped witnesses. It’s a media circus, and we’re painted
up as clowns.”
“Good thing I can
juggle. What’s
up?”
“Late last night,
dozens of ice cream trucks were seen at the local supermarket. They appeared to be unloading ice
cream tubs.”
“They’ve retuned
the ice cream?”
“So we
thought. But when we opened the
tubs, all we found was...pistachio.”
“Pistachio ice
cream!” 333 exclaimed. “That
stuff’s horrible! Why would
anyone want to make ice cream flavored as something healthy? It’s like fruit pizza!”
“Exactly!” Leo agreed. “But it’s the only flavor of ice cream
anyone has! The other 31 have
vanished off the face of the earth.”
“Any leads on
criminals with incredibly odd tastes?”
“That’s why I
found you myself, Ryan. It’s the
Dragon Lady.”
Out of nowhere, a
DUN DUN DUN!
sounded.
“The Dragon Lady?”
echoed 333.
DUN DUN
DUN!
“Okay, wait, wait!”
Ryan broke character and everyone came out from hiding in surprise. “What’s this DUN DUN DUN!
crap?”
“I thought it’d be
funny.” said Richie, revealing a tape recorder. He had a sound effects tape cued up to
“Villain sounds.”
“This is action, not
slapstick!” Ryan scolded as he yanked the tape recorder away. “Get back there and wait to be a
hostage! Suddenly, I don’t feel
very bad about your role.”
Riley came out from
behind a desk. “How’m I doing,
Ryan? Was that convincing
enough?”
“Great, Riley. You take the camera now so Richie can
set up for the torture scene.”
Behind him, Richie gulped.
“All right, let’s start again.”
“Our old friend
the Dragon Lady, 333.”
“Impossible! After she sabotaged the spelling bee,
I personally delivered her to Detention.”
“I’m afraid she
was let out for good behavior.”
“Good
grief!”
“No, good
behavior.”
Stifling a laugh,
333, asked, “So what does the Dragon Lady have to do with pistachio ice
cream?”
“It’s her favorite
flavor.”
“I always said she
was a bit nutty,
Leo.”
“Do they train you
on speaking in puns at the agency?”
Before they could
continue, a refrigerated truck zoomed by. They followed it down the street to a
rec center, where they watched as large tubs were loaded onto
it.
“So that’s her front!” exclaimed
333.
“Then why is she
keeping it in the back?” asked Leo, confused.
“333 rolled his
eyes. “I daresay you should have
taken that pun class as well.
Come on!”
A high-stakes game was already underway, and the kid at the table had
all the cards stacked against him.
“4 of Clubs!” he said as he slammed down a
card.
The dealer didn’t even blink.
“The house puts down...a King of Clubs.”
“Aha! 9 of Clubs! I’ve got
one card left, you have two!”
But the dealer smirked and turned over her next card. “Eight.” Everyone gasped. “The house
wins.”
“Mind if I join the next round?” 333 spoke up. “It’s always fairer with extra
players.”
“Not necessarily. You do
realize this is a $10 game, Mr...?
“Ryan.” He pulled a $20
from his jacket, eliciting more gasps from the crowd. “And I always prefer numbers divisible
by 4. After all, there are only 4
8’s in a deck of cards, aren’t there?
Let’s raise the stakes.”
“As you wish.” the dealer replied. But when 333 reached for the deck, she
quickly snatched it away. “Winner
always shuffles.” she explained.
“Would you care for a soda?”
“As a matter of fact, yes.
But...I’d like it from a can, not a
bottle.”
The dealer had a good poker face as well. She simply nodded to the waiter next
to her, and discreetly pressed a button under the table. “The first card is a Queen of
Diamonds.” she said.
“How poetic. Allow me to
find her a partner.” 333 put down
the King of Diamonds and their eyes met.
“House has an 8. It’s now
a 4 of Aces.”
“2 of Aces.”
“3”
“Jack.”
The dealer was totally emotionless as she drew another card. “8.” The crowd began mumbling. “It’s now Spades. Would you like another
card?”
“If they’re all as good as this hand,” 333 said, laying his cards face
up to reveal that they were all
8’s, “I’d prefer an explanation.
Like I said, there are only four Aces in a regulation deck.” He took a triumphant swig of his
soda…then everything began to go dim.
Triple Three awoke to find
himself tied to a chair in an empty room. Nothing in the room was within his
reach. As he tried to kick the
legs of his chair, he felt something cold strike his foot. “Ah! The scissors!” If only he could reach them. Instead, the door opened and a girl
walked in.
“Well, if it isn’t Dragon Lady’s hench-mini, Shanghai!” said Triple
Three. “Still kidnapping people
for fun and profit?”
Gesturing to the door, she said something in
Chinese. All of a sudden, the words: Presenting
the Dragon Lady appeared
below her.
“Hey! Connie, that’s
great! How’d you do that?” Ryan
asked.
I thought you did it!”
said Connie. “Renee, did you see
that? Look!” Renee poked her
head in the door as Connie spoke Chinese again and I like ice cream
appeared in
the room.
“Where did those words come from?”
Renee pointed nervously.
“Um…China?”
“Man, everything’s made in China these days!” Renee crept over to the spot on the
floor where the words still sat and nudged them cautiously with her
foot.
“We’ll send them back later!
For now, these’ll work out great.
Okay, make the last sentence appear and we’ll pick up right at
that.”
Presenting the Dragon Lady
“Well,” 333 managed to quip, “you’re late. I expected you an hour ago.”
Sweeping into the room, the Dragon Lady ignored the jibe and said, “No
witty remarks, Agent Triple Three?
I’m disappointed. I
thought you’d be harder to trick.”
She walked over to another chair facing the far wall. “In fact, you waltzed right into my
hands even earlier than your fellow agent. Or have you forgotten…Agent Triple
Zero!” She swung the chair around
to reveal a bloated 000, covered with sticky green liquid,
moaning.
“You fiend!” cried 333.
“Rich, speak to me!”
“Ohhh.” moaned 000, “This stuff’s terrible!” He had a huge bowl of pistachio ice
cream in his lap.
“Leave it to you to pick the worst flavor of ice cream ever invented!”
Triple Three said, unaware that Shanghai was creeping up behind him with a can
of spray cream.
Cool it, 333!
the
subtitles spoke for her as she aimed the can at his
head.
“Why ice cream?” he said instead, trying to distract from the fact that
he was fumbling around in his shoe for those elusive
scissors.
“Think about it: we’ve both seen some little 8-year-old cough up all
their allowance for a triple scoop.
And who stops traffic faster on a summer day than the ice cream
truck? You control the ice cream,
you control the neighborhood.
I’ve got the entire population eating out of my hands!" 333 rolled his
eyes. " Besides, what’s wrong
with pistachio? It’s still ice
cream, isn’t it? And with no
shells,” she laughed, “you’ll never catch me red-handed.”
“Your puns are nearly as evil as you are!” groaned 333.
“You wrote them.” she snapped back. “I’m only sorry you can’t join
me. But you’ll have plenty of
company.” The door opened again,
revealing Leo at the mercy of Dragon Lady’s thugs. The dealer followed with a feather
duster, a piece of paper, and a sour expression.
“I’m supposed to have a knife.” Stacy gestured to the paper in
her hand. “Have you read the
script?”
“Are you kidding me?!? Do you know what Mom would do to me if I gave you a knife? I’ll give you one clue – it would not
involve a feather duster!”
“Just use your imagination.” Ryan added. “It’s funnier this way.”
“Oookay.” sighed Stacy. “Ahem –
Sorry, Mr. Ryan…the house always wins.” She waved the feather duster as
menacingly as one possibly could a mere inches from 333’s nose.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an ice cream truck waiting.” The Dragon Lady deliberately swished
by 333 as she left the room. Then
she stopped cold.
“Wait. Why am I telling you
everything and then leaving again?”
Ryan rolled his eyes. “So I
can escape while you’re gone!”
“Well, that seems kinda stupid.
I didn’t go through all this trouble to kidnap you for
that!”
“C’mon, we finally got this rolling
again.”
Kid shook his head. “I told you we shouldn’t take her to the
movies with us!”
Stacy wasn’t finished, either.
“Chopsticks!” she exclaimed suddenly.
“…Bless you?” Kid offered.
“No, I can attack Ryan with chopsticks! They’re Chinese,
right?”
“I’m a little disturbed at your willingness to stab me with something.”
said Ryan as he attempted to tip the chair away from Stacy’s phantom chopsticks
of doom.
“You’re the one giving her knives in the first place.” Renee pointed
out. “Oh, and what IS wrong with
pistachio? Don’t think I didn’t
notice that!”
“I’m losing all feeling in my
hands! Can we
continue?”
Okay, okay!” snapped Renee as she sashayed out of the room with Connie at
her heels, still muttering complaints.
“Mr. Detail-oriented…you’d think he was Spielberg or something! Enjoy buying your own popcorn from now
on! I don’t even like the stuff
anyway, just did it to keep you away from the fruity concession
girl…”
Ryan waited until she slammed the door and decided (though he’d never
tell her), that it added urgency to his situation.
“I believe this is the moment in the game where I’d like to change
my suit.” Triple Three blithely addressed his feathered friend. The scissors were primed to cut
through his bonds, and he hoped she didn’t notice.
“I think I need to change mine as well.” Leo
added.
But the dealer ignored both of them, tugging feathers out of the duster
and allowing them to fall gracefully to the floor. “Sorry - three 3’s don’t equal an
eight.”
“Mind if I have a drink then?”
333 gestured to his Thermos.
The dealer nodded, and one of the thugs brought it over to
him.
Before they could react, 333 snapped the ropes in half, grabbed the
Thermos, and gave everyone within spraying distance a refreshing splash of
Silly String. “Leo!” he shouted,
and Leo swung around in time to catch the scissors. “Wrap these three up for
Headquarters. I’m going to cut
off the Dragon Lady and revoke her license to
chill.”
“I told her this
feather duster was for the birds!” the dealer cried.
Deep
within the freezer of the hottest club in town, the Dragon Lady was
supervising a 20 gallon switcheroo.
“There! That’s the last container of Fudge Twirl. Let’s go see how our dear feathered
friends are doing.” But before she could leave, the heavy door slammed shut, and the lock
was heard closing.
“Oh,
I’m fine, my lady,” came Triple Three’s voice from outside the freezer, “but I
think you need to chill out."
“You
can’t leave us in here!” wailed Dragon Lady as she and Shanghai began pounding
on the door.
“I’m
sure the boys in blue will be here any minute now. In the meantime, you’ve got plenty of
refreshments!”
Shanghai blanched. “Ew, I hate this stuff!” The
Dragon Lady gave her a glare that threatened to melt all the pistachio ice
cream. “Well, I do!” Connie broke
character to add.
333
laughed as he left the club. "I guess it’s not easy…being
green.”
“That was fun!” said Richie.
“Yeah,
thanks, Ryan!” added Stacy.
“FORGETTING
SOMETHING?” Renee yelled from inside the freezer. Everyone outside cracked up laughing
while Riley tugged open the door.
“I
was starting to feel like a Popsicle!” said Connie, her teeth
chattering.
“Hey,
where’s your subtitles?” asked The Kid.
“They
froze!”
“You
forgot something else, too, Ryan.” Renee pointed out. “What happened to the tape recorder?”
“What
tape recorder?”
“The
one in the bike lock! Don’t you
read your own script?”
Ryan
just shrugged it off. “Budget
constraints.”
“What
budget?”
“Exactly!”
Riley took the tape out of the camera. "Not bad for a Saturday
afternoon." he said. "What do you say we watch it?" The kids quickly
agreed. "After your next number, of course - it'd be a crime
to keep the audience waiting!"
The End
